2007-09-06

Interview with a Working Man

Finally! The much-awaited interview between me and radiuz! My sincerest apologies for delaying this. I got to interview radiuz one fine day at Kedai Kak Jah Tomyam, as the guy was a busy man,(don't get me wrong, he's not busy due to work, but busy for all the wrong reasons) and to my astonishment; he brought along..... the legendary KSW.

Check out what happened below.

Me: Ahhh Kav.... it's been too long. How are you, mofo?

Kav: Fine, fine... No chick, no life, no money, but other than that I'm cool.

Me: (astonished) You're.... the legendary Kirim Singh Wallu! I just realized! Oh, I've heard so much about you. It's a pleasure!

KSW: Pertemuan & perpisahan perkara biasa.

Me: (puzzled) Ok.... Kav, shall we begin our interview then? An exposure of a single, penniless man's working life?

Kav: Hey, hey, ease the insults. And what's with this TomYam shop, anyways? I was expecting at least Starbucks.

Me: Oh well, you know I'm not Bill Gates myself. So this is all I can manage. But help yourself, it's on the house. Kak Jah is an old friend of mine.

KSW: Otamak-otagi, orang tamak selalu rugi.

Me: (whispers) Hey man, does KSW always do this?

Kav: Ignore him. (shouts) Kak Jah, nasi pattaya satu. Tambah nasi, bungkus 2 telur!!

Me: Alright, let's begin this shall we? 1stly, what are you working as?

Kav: I'm working as a web programmer, specializing in PHP. That means I get to play around with PHP based Content Management Systems, such as XOOPS. In layman terms, I'm one of the guys they go to when some customer fucks up their CMS or try to fuck it up but failed. I also build web-based systems to be used internally, which translates to someone else taking up the credit as soon as I am done with my work.

Me: In layman terms it's a whole lot easier to understand. So ur the man who gets his ass screwed if something goes wrong, but never gets any credit for good work right?

KSW: (slurping teh ais) Lembu punya susu, sapi punya nama.

Me: I'm with you on that one, KSW. Ok then, your designation?

Kav: I'm designated as Programmmer 03. Prog03 for short. Doesn't have much ring in it, does it? Prog03 is the guy who gets all the crappy stuff handed to when Prog01 is just too fucking lazy and Prog02 is a sweet girl who is swamped with tonnes of work.

Me: Sweet girl? Is Prog02 still available? Do you have her number?

Kav: Forget about it. You've got your own girl. And don't think about steppin' into my yard.

Me: (disappointed) Ok, ok... Sheesh, talk about selfishness. So, what are your work responsibilities?

Kav: I do stuff the boss asks me to do, and ignore the stuff my supervisor asks me to do, unless it is approved by my boss. Quite a nice chain of command eh? I am responsible for anything that screams PHP, which of course . I am also responsible for maintaining the company's customized online payment modules for these shopping carts: Joomla, ZenCart and to a certain extent,osCommerce. I am also responsible for looking sleepy after lunch.

Me: Sleepy after lunch, huh? Figures. Is your company small one or a big company?

Kav: It's a biggish small company. Yes. That means I am not quite fucking sure how to classify a big or a small company. (shouts) Oi, mana nasi pattaya I?! Dah lapar ni!!

Me: Give her some time. You requested for additional rice, and I don't know how the hell is she gonna wrap the rice with 2 eggs.

Kav: (groans) Alright.

KSW: Berakit-rakit ke hulu, berenang-renang ke hilir; bersakit-sakit dahulu, bersenang-senang kemudian. (burps after his 5th teh ais)

Me: Hey KSW, you might wanna ease off the teh ais. Sure it's free, but you'll get yourself into trouble if you keep on drinking.

KSW: Semut mati kerana gula.

Me: (sighs) Alright. Suit yourself. So Kav, any chicks there?

Kav: Sensitive question. Hmmmmm... Chicks, got la... Hot chicks, nope.

Kak Jah: Nasi pattaya, tambah nasi, bungkuih 2 teloq, SIAP!

Kav: Alright! You don't mind, Redgrave?

Me: Carry on, Kav. You can answer while eating right?

Kav: (concentrating on eating) Huh? Right, right....

Me: Name 1 person there u like @ despise the most. You're free to use pseudonyms.

Kav: Ooooooo...... I call this guy The Incomprehensible Shit-Faced Loser Who Can't Communicate in Any Language but Mandarin and Has Fucked-Up Work Ethic and Manners With A I-am-only-nice-to-girls-but-not-guys Attitude. He is not racist. He is a sexist. And he doesn't even help his OWN sex.

Me: Hmm... Sounds like somebody I know from secondary school. Dickhead. Oh well, from 1-10, estimate ur popularity rate at ur office.

Kav: Among my lunch mates, I'm around 8 or 9. Among the whole office, I'm closer to 3 or 4.

Me: Are u still single?

Kav: (smiling sheepishly) Actually, hehehe..... Not exactly.

Me: If still single, describe the girl of ur dreams?

Kav: In lieu of question 8, I skip this question.

KSW: (in between his 9th teh ais) Tepuk sebelah tangan takkan berbunyi.

Me: Hahahaha... Right. Future plans, Kav?

Kav: I wanna work for a company that allows me to work from home, which suits my lazy ass body and intelligent brain. Make some good money, stack up some savings. Go to Germany's Oktoberfest, then off to Amsterdam to legally get stoned shitless with weed and engage in wonderous legal sexual activites.

Return to Malaysia, get married at 28, have kids at 30, retire by 40, run my own internet business and watch the money roll in while I shag my wife every day and play with my kids and take care of my parents.

An internet death calculator said that I'm gonna die on 31 August 2068. So I would have my final Merdeka celebrations and die happily ever after at 84 years old.

I will then be cremated. My friends will put my ashes on a homegrown cannabis plant as organic fertiliser, so I would appear to them ethereally when they smoke it up, just like in the movie How High. How's that for a future plan?!


Me: Nice plan dude. I was... (loud sound, KSW sprawled on the floor) KSW!! What happened?

KSW: Orang memberi kita merasa, orang berbudi kita berbahasa. (faints after his 13th teh ais)

Kak Jah: Toloooooooooooooonnnngggggggggg!!! Ada orang mati!!!!

Kav: Shit! Somebody get an ambulance!!

4 comments:

Kavi said...

Oh Kirim Singh! Jangan Matiiiii

tulipspeaks said...

if Kirim Singh mati, who will be covering the next news on pigs in hmm.. Negeri9 may be? :P


ammu.

Kesh said...

haha..kavilan and his friend are same onli..doing an entertaintment conversation..hehe its interesting..

tony redgrave said...

@kavi & tulipspeaks: ksw is re-cuperating in GH, worry not.

@kesh: thanks for d' comment.

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