2007-10-24

Interview With A “Happy Penis” Datok

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An interview with a Datok who's famous for his wearing of sunglasses, even at night. Either he's gila-glamour, or desperately wants to be blind. Or both.

An original work that's done by my buddy Kav, he's allowed me to post this as I'm involved in the interview as well. My version is R-rated, check out the original version, or U version here.

Finally, after much huffing and puffing, Kav has managed to actually get an interview with another politician. This dude is not a big honcho up in the pillars of national power, but he knows quite a bit of information.

Datok Happy Penis (DHP) is an ex-city council members in one of the richest states in the great country of Goblok. He is credited by many for being able to single handedly bribe town officials and circumvent tax payment to build a massive 4 storey-mansion in the middle of a local village.

DHP is also well loved by the members of his party, coz they allow him to still sit in the same room as them in political meetings. They gladly lick his balls (ewwww...) while he gazes at their dog-hungry faces through his cheap black shades.

For those of you who still seem a little dazed who DHP is, try translating his name into a few local languages. Go figure.

For this interview, unfortunately, KSW was not available. I was roped in, to assist Kav in this interview. We found DHP lounging in a bistro pub in Kuala Gempur last weekend, which we got to know from my well placed contacts. Here’s how the interview went:

Kav: Datok Happy Penis…! We demand an interview with you… to be published online, of course..

DHP: (stares beyond our presence… obviously looking for his bodyguards)

Me: Oi Datok! I know what you're thinking. You’re thinking “Did I bring 5 bodyguards, or did I bring 6? And where the fuck are they?!” (sniggers) Well, Datok, you gotta ask yourself this question now. “Do ya feel lucky, Datok?!” (brandishing two M1911s)

DHP: I feel the urge to bribe you. Name your price for leaving me in peace…

Kav: I am a true reporter. I don’t sell my loyalty to the readers. You will grant this interview, or I will publish these photos of you bribing the town officials to build your restaurant on government land.

Me: Kav! What the hell were you thinking?! We could’ve accepted the bribe! Transportation fares ain't cheap! Oh well… Cough up the facts, Happy Penis! We ain’t for sale. At least for now.

Kav: So, Datok, since you know about stuff that’s going on in your party’s general meetings, we’d like some inside scoop. Firstly, regarding the Goblokian dude in a foreign country who rapped about Goblok’s shaky social policies. Why the fuss? He mentioned only the truth.

DHP: Actually the fuss was started by none other than the Mis-Information Ministry of Goblok. We HAD to do something to turn the heads of the public from the much publicized foreign model murder case. Fingers were being pointed at a certain top minister. We all knew about the video clip in YouTube had existed many months prior to the case. But we needed a black sheep, and this unfortunate fucker got his balls slapped.

Me: You, of course, had your balls licked, right? (grimaces)

DHP: Yes… Urrmm.. I mean, NO!!!!

Me: Yeah, right. Now, what about the racial issues? Why the prejudiced and incorrect facts and rumours? Why do people bring up the word “racial” for every trivial issue and are at loggerheads, but when a Goblokian minister waves a traditional dagger over his head condemning others, nothing is being done? (surprised with myself)

Kav: Well said. C’mon Datok. You can entertain the GRO later. Answer the fucking question.

DHP: Errrmmmm… Actually, we couldn’t do anything. His speech while the waving was done was so inspirational.

Kav: You are wrong. It was plain racism.

DHP: Well, every government needs propaganda. Hitler was using the Jews as his. Since the country of Goblok is multi-racial, the minister had to appeal to the majority race.

Me: Not everyone from the majority race would sink to such a low level of blatant, single-minded belief. In fact, only a buffoon who lacks the ability of coherent and intelligent thinking, irregardless of race, would fall for that stunt.

Kav: That being said, the whole meeting during that point was filled with buffoons.

DHP: We prefer the politically correct term of “intellectually challenged”, thank you.

Kav: You guys deseve a pimp slap each. Next question. Why are our history books so inaccurate and also focusing on Goblok only?

DHP: We focus on Goblok only coz we need the younger generation to learn about our nation’s proud heritage. All they need to know is in there. And it is not inaccurate. We simply REFUSE to acknowledge facts and papers by foreign anthropologists and historians coz their presence would demean our nation. Thus we will stick to the current syllabus.

Me: Yeah right! Demean our nation?! You mean you wouldn’t be able to make money off them, right?! I got a bloody C only for History!! I wrote a bloody 6-pages during SPM and all that's worth was a fuc**ng C?! You know what, maybe I should blow a hole in ur head Datok!

Kav: Calm down, bro. We still need him for the interview. You can do whatever you want after the interview. Where was I? Yes.. Focusing on Goblok alone teaches narrow-mindedness to our children. There are no opportunities to learn about other cultures and their rise and fall of power. There are so many significant historical lessons to be learned from other nations but we Goblokians ignore them.

Me: Choose your next words carefully, Datok. They may be your last... as a dickhead. (smiles maniacally while pointing gun at DHP)

DHP: (shivers) Oh, is it so? Maybe that’s why the country is SLIGGGHTLLLY mismanaged.

Kav: Final question. Why do some members of the ruling party make unneeded ruckus whenever the Goblokian Goblok concept is brought up? The situation has boiled down to the stage where some rulers of this great nation voiced out opinions which are against the Goblokian government’s policies, but nevertheless stay true to the concept of justice and fairness to the public. Whis is this so?

DHP: That is a sensitive topic. Please don’t ask me that. We run the country fair and square.

Me: Then why the hell shudn’t we talk about it? Fair?! A promising student's History essay you gave him a C?! You call that FAIR?! You still feeling lucky, Datok?! Do yeh? Do yeh? Make my day. (points gun at DHP's head) 

DHP: (shivers ) Well, we just don’t wanna lose votes, y’know. Nothing can garner votes when you provide the illusion that you fight for the rights of your people. Our Minister of Mis-Information, Datok Alakazam tends to contradict himself often.

Me: For sure as hell you ain't gonna get my vote.

Kav: Maybe that’s coz he’s a dip-shit. But you ain’t fooling anyone anymore. Goblokians refuse to be divided by race and creed. But the Goblokian government is still trying to instill such thoughts into their minds with absurd actions.

DHP: The rulers are ruining it for us. They are speaking for the people; the sons of the soil, the minorities, the foreigners, everyone. We just can’t rob the people blind like this. Err.. I mean, help the people. Not rob. Help. The people. No robbing. Nadda. Zip. Only help.

Me: Robbing people blind? That’s funny. That’s what you guys did in Porta Kulang Free Zone right? 4 billion Goblokian dollars worth of the peoples’ money being used for the mistakes in mismanagement. Hell I could buy a V-SpecII Skyline with that. And a house. And throw parties all night. With chicks. And more chicks. And even more chicks.

DHP: This interview is OVER! Entourage, let’s go! (Pointing to me and Redgrave) You guys will hear from me soon.

Kav: Hah…! Maybe you’d be hearing from the high courts soon. We’ve had all this on tape. (shows middle finger)

Me: You got ownedddddddd, bitch! (shoots off DHP's sunglasses, laughs maniacally)

DHP: Argggghhhh, my shades!! My precious RM5 shades!!!!

2007-10-17

A cycle down memory lane

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What happens when you've gotten so used to driving and suddenly you find yourself devoid of a car? Of course, revert to the mode oftransportation that you were using before getting your driver's licence; and for me it was a.... bicycle.

It all started when I went to a certain gaming website and found out that Mortal Kombat: Armageddon was released yersterday (
this happened last year actually). So, as a true gamer, I decided to get the game at my town's shopping centre. But, due to my car had some... erm... 'problems', I had to cycle to the shopping centre instead.

Well, before I started driving, I had a mountain bike which was my only means of transport, I & another friend still had bicycles only when all others were driving motorbikes to school. Back then, my stamina level was very high, and I could cover great distances with my bike. Yup, those were the good old days, didn't have to worry bout petrol though, just a full stomach to burn the energy that I need.

I had stopped cycling since I got my license, hmm..... that's about 5 years already. As I wheeled my bike, there was a feeling of nostalgia, and dread whether can I make it back with the bike or not.

(The journey home required me to cycle uphill you see......)

So, I braved myself and cycled downhill. It was great fun, as the feelings of past rushed back, wind kicking in my face and the sound of gears changing, brakes screeching was amazing.

But as the first 5 minutes kicked in, I started to grow tired. I was actually beginning to wear out, and after a great deal of energy burnt, and panting; I finally reached the shopping centre.

As I wheeled my bike to park it was only then that I realized my bike had no lock, and therefore I had no choice but to park my bike at my grandma's place which wasn't far away; but I still had to do some extra cycling and then had to travel to the destination by foot.

The best part was, after going through the hot sun, deflating myself, and almost got ran over by a lorry; the guy at the game shop coolly told me that the game wasn't out yet.

So, I began the long journey home........

2007-10-11

Whatever you do will be insignificant....

1 comments
I hate posting these kinda things. To me, writing about the tragedy of others is uncouth; and certainly this AIN'T about increasing my site statistics. Nevertheless, I need to say what's on my mind.

The recent news of the killing of an 8 year old girl recently shook the nation. There was an extensive coverage on the murder, with several keywords constantly getting highlighted; such as sports bag, sexually assaulted, cucumber, brinjal and such.

The one who committed this heinous act on a little 8 year old was inhuman, but the media and the public is just as ruthless as well.

There's no doubt that there'd be a repetitive statement on every news update of the murder, 'Her body was found stuffed in a sports bag', 'she was sexually assaulted'.

Come on, all the nation knows of what happened. Must the media constantly re-iterate what happened to her on every update? It disgusts me everytime I come across these statements.

And then there's the public. While most are saddened and mourning for the little one, there happens to be a few assholes who are selling her post-mortem pictures.

What the F88K are they thinking? Is this supposed to be some kinda joke or something? Is it a jovial matter that these sensitive pictures should be distributed? She was tortured and humiliated before her death, and now she and her family must suffer even after her untimely death?!

I'm really disappointed with the nation. Yesterday saw the 1st Malaysian going to space, a huge leap in terms of technology and development, but sadly we have degenerated in terms of ethics and morality.




Wild animals never kill for sport. Man is the only one to whom the torture and death of his fellow creatures is amusing in itself.


James A. Froude (1818 - 1894)


 

2007-10-08

Resident Evil: Extinction

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What do you get when you cross Resident Evil and Star Wars? Crap.

The recent release of the movie Resident Evil: Extinction saw me going to watch it last Saturday night. I wasn't anticipating this movie, but as a gamer who loved its game series, I decided to give this movie another try even though its previous sequel was disappointing, save Jill. Sienna Guillory is hot.

Where was I? Oh yeah.. Extinction takes place 5 years after the Raccoon City outbreak, and from there on the virus continued to spread across Earth, turning Earth into a barren wasteland surrounded by mindless zombies. Only a few survivors are left, with our heroine Alice going nomad and travelling via motorcycle. The film introduces a new heroine, Claire Redfield, who leads a convoy to lead the survivors to Europe in order to reunite with her brother Chris. Claire indeed is some eye-candy, as she's played by Ali Larter.



 

Ali Larter as Claire Redfield


Wesker was introduced in this new movie, and the 1st time I saw him I thought they got Eminem to play the role. The actor who played him was a bit fat though, compared to the game's version. It was until when I heard his voice did I realize it wasn't Eminem, as Jason O'Mara's voice was deep and Eminem has a squeaky voice.

The movie's got its gory scenes and some slick babe ass-kicking, but otherwise it was kinda dull. Apparently, Alice has undergone some Jedi training for the past 5 years as she's now been able to control the Force. She can create barriers, manipulate fire and even send a Tyrant flying. Come on... the story has was deviated from its roots. Why can't the director stick to good ol' guns and the protaganist use a RPG to blow the enemy boss to smithereens?

Also, I was wondering what the hell happened to Jill and Angela Ashford? And since when Wesker became the head of Umbrella?


The alleged head of Umbrella

Sigh... the title for the movie is befitting. Resident Evil movies should be made extinct, but from the movie's ending, we've yet to see the last of Alice. And she's bringing 'friends'. Great.